Understanding Codependency and Enabling Behaviors

Two of the biggest challenges in these relationships are codependency and enabling behaviors, which can unknowingly keep the cycle going. So, how can you steer clear of this common trap? What exactly is codependency? And which enabling behaviors should you watch out for? In this article, we take a closer look, helping you help your loved one from a much better standpoint.

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What is Codependency?

Codependency is a pattern of behavior where a person becomes overly focused on someone else’s needs, emotions, and problems—often at the expense of their own well-being. In relationships affected by addiction, this often means a loved one’s mood, decisions, and even daily life revolve around the addict’s behavior.

Over time, this can lead to neglect of your own personal needs, suppressed emotions, and prioritization of the other person’s struggles over your own happiness and health. Codependent individuals may feel a deep sense of responsibility for their loved one’s addiction, believing it’s their job to fix, protect, or rescue them.

While, inevitably, these behaviors come from a place of care and love, they often support, perpetuate, and enable the destructive behaviors associated with addiction. In many ways, it shields the person with the addiction from facing the reality of their addiction and its consequences. In turn, the cycle of addiction becomes prolonged rather than facing the problem head-on. 

In this situation, you may find you:

• Base your self-worth on your ability to help or “save” your loved one
• Neglect your own physical, emotional, and psychological needs
• Experience intense anxiety when not actively involved in managing the other person’s life
• Develop an identity that revolves around being needed or being the “helper”
• Struggle to set and maintain healthy boundaries
• Feel responsible for the other person’s emotions, actions, and recovery

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What Are Enabling Behaviors in Addiction?

Enabling behaviors and codependency go hand-in-hand. In short, enabling behaviors are actions that—often unintentionally—make it easier for someone to continue their addiction by removing or softening the natural consequences of substance use. And while, like codependency, these actions come from a place of concern and care, they often delay or interfere with recovery.

For example, you may make excuses for their behaviors. You might avoid confrontation with your loved one to keep the peace. You may also offer financial support but know very well that the money is going toward drug use.

But this can have dire consequences for you both. Enabling often creates a cycle where the person with addiction is protected from fully experiencing the impact of their choices, which delays their recognition of the need for change. Meanwhile, the enabler becomes increasingly frustrated, resentful, and exhausted—yet continues the same patterns out of fear, guilt, or misplaced responsibility.

At the same time, it’s important to recognize that many aren’t actively choosing enabling behaviors. Many times, someone enabling an addict is responding in the best way they know how to support someone they love. But, once recognized, you can begin to change this wave, paving the way toward real change and help. So, how can you do that?

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How You Can Help

Surprisingly, there are support groups that can guide you on what to do in these situations. For example, Codependents Anonymous (CODA) can help you learn to become more assertive or escape an unhealthy relationship. Alternatively, there are also support groups for families of addicts. If you reach out to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or similar groups in your area, they can provide direction on family support group meet-ups. 

While it can be very difficult, here are other tips that can help you navigate this type of situation:

• Avoid providing money. This only fuels your loved one’s addiction further.
• Do not provide them with a free place to live; this, again, only delays treatment.
• Take a “tough love” approach. Having support is essential here. Tough love refers to not giving in to any of the above, despite how you may feel. 

Ultimately, it has to be the choice of the addict to get help. No one can do it for them—despite how much love is involved. This can be painful to accept, but again, this is where support networks are imperative. 

The truth is that many, unfortunately, have to hit rock bottom before they want treatment and help. This may mean facing homelessness firsthand. Oftentimes, an addict will reach out for help when they are ready or when they can’t face losing anymore. And yes, it’s not easy watching your loved one fall. But sometimes, it’s a necessary part of recovery. As aforementioned, getting support for yourself is also important during this time.

At Freedom Recovery Centers (FRC), we understand how difficult the cycle of addiction can be to break. It may seem easier to enable than to see your loved one angry or in pain. However, this often has its own set of consequences that don’t necessarily help your loved one make strides toward recovery.

If you or a loved one is struggling, know that recovery is possible. The FRC team is here to help you finally overcome the cycle of addiction and pave the way toward a healthier, happier, and more vibrant life. When you’re ready, call us at 804-635-3746. At FRC, we believe your best days are still ahead of you!

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FAQs

What is an example of enabling or codependency?

Examples of this include:

• Covering for your loved one (such as calling sick for them).
• Providing them shelter and money.
• Avoiding conflict.
• Taking on their responsibilities. 

What is the difference between enabling and supporting an addict?

The difference between enabling and supporting an addict is that enabling continues to perpetuate the cycle of addiction. It encourages the habits and behaviors that drive the addiction, taking away the need for recovery or treatment. In contrast, supporting an addict is empowering them to get help and recover from their addiction.